Charlie Dogson – A Poem, by Paul David Thomas


Charlie Dogson was a man of a thousand monkeys,
who cooked up a meal of holy toads daily,
And whose body was always in disagreement with itself.
Sometimes his left hand fought with his right
and sometimes he urinated through his tear ducts,
but other times he had to stand on his head
to pass his stones without breaking the mirror.
.. ..
He left his home on the 369th petal of a sunflower,
due to pollution caused by poor housekeeping-
he never did hear the door slam shut-
and began a quiet life in ….Marietta….,
raising pinstripe suits on 16 acres of land
and hunting white-tailed wildebeests
imported from the Serengeti.
.. ..
One day he got his head stuck inside the skull of a great Elk,
he solved his problem the following day
by imprisoning the head of a hawk inside his own rectum.
One spring he sat down and gave birth to a coyote
through his Big Toe. For whatever reason,
the newborn coyote bit off his foot,
so he gave birth to a turtle through his left breast
and used it as a prosthetic.
.. ..
From his penis he could make all sorts of useful plants,
and once he used it to hook a twenty pound rainbow trout
up in ….Alaska…. in 1970. The thing fought like a bastard,
and just before the boat capsized in the trough,
the fish leaped through the swell,
then ripped down into the soup-
Charlie’s pecker was no longer the freak it once was.
.. ..
The luckiest day of his life,
other than catching the trout and finding Mary,
was winning $4 on a convenience store lottery ticket.
But that year he spent six months underwater
living with the giant sea horses he met while fishing
and missed the claim deadline by one day.
He never did get his $4.
.. ..
Broke and with out any prospects,
he moved west and became a circus tumbler and fire breather,
but he charred his lower intestine one evening
and had to wear a colostomy bag
for the rest of his short life.
He kept his living by hanging from hooks
through holes in his back,
while the trapeze artists swung from his testicles.
He impregnated the bearded lady,
and she soon gave birth to a fully bearded baby girl,
with two crooked teeth.
But as it turns out, the child was not Charlie’s.
It was, in fact, her own.
See, the Bearded Lady was also Myrtle,
the Four Legged Woman, who had both sets of organs.
.. ..
But soon the circus rejected Charlie
And he fled further west on a turtle and a toe.
And Myrtle took a shave
and refused to ever ride the miniature donkey again,
nor would she ever again
milk the two-headed cow.
The child, Dogson IV,
died at age seven in a dual with the sword swallower
and Myrtle married Rosie the Half-Girl
and now they live in ….Texas…. with the Leopard Man.
.. ..
Charlie remained a vagrant of sorts
until his last day on this earth,
wandering the cleavage of a fair city-
his scaled tail slagging behind him-
selling apples cores from the garbage cans of the rich
with a legion of groaning omnivores scavenging the
usual disquisitive jibber-jabber
churned up by the otiose coins falling into the dirt
through his slippery mitts.
.. ..
But his friends knew how to contact him still.
They’d call his name three times,
and he would appear at their doorstep within an hour,
always with a bottle in his hand
and a dozen or so invisible strangers
practicing their Pig-Latin and solving crimes
and rewiring the shadow cast by his belt-buckle.


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